One sunny afternoon following the marriage of Fa Mulan and Captain Li Shang, the happy couple was on their way to the emperor's newly remodeled palace to have tea with the aging ruler. When they arrived at the palace, the sundial in the garden read 2:51 p.m., and the underpaid staff was busy with chores.
The poorly-toothed Chi Fu greeted them at the doors and guided them to the emperor's tea room. It was one of about 4,896 rooms in the palace, give or take a couple. The old man was happy to see them.
"Welcome to my palace!" the emperor said gruffly, in a Pat Morita-like voice. "As you can well see, it has undergone numerous changes since your last - er - visit."
"It looks lovely," Mulan (now Li Mulan) said pleasantly, trying to hide the guilt she still felt for basically demolishing the palace single-handedly.
"Quite lovely," echoed Shang. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably.
"Please be seated," the emperor said with a chuckle.
Chi Fu, who was uglier than sin, had recently been demoted to tea-bearer for the emperor. He brought in a silver platter loaded with lots of fancy China :) He placed the cups on the table and began pouring the tea.
Li Shang gave a hearty laugh. "Isn't serving tea a woman's task?" The emperor and Mulan joined him in laughing at the ugly servant.
"Isn't telling bad jokes the duty of the royal jester?" Fu said, poorly executing his comeback. Actually, it was so executed, there was no chance ot it healing :)
Well, tea proceeded with customary chit-chat. The trio spoke of what had been going on since the big battle with Shan-Yu at the expense of the palace, and believe me, the repairs certainly were expensive. Chi Fu kept serving refills until the emperor had had too much and felt very ill. He called in the guards. They dragged Chi Fu from the room.
Mulan and Shang were about to laugh harder when a horrific scream rang through the palace walls! Fu ran into the room wailing! The emperor rose in anger. "What are you doing? I had you sent out! Drop and give me fifty!" the old man commanded.
"But - !" Fu started.
"Get down, Fu!" the emperor hollered!
At that very moment, a dragon-head cannon blasted through the doors and into Fu's already disfigured face. He was combusted intstantly. The other three in the room stood in horror!
A large muscular hand reached through the hole in the door made by the cannon and jerked the handle. The door opened with a creak. The smoke from the explosion drifted past the open doorway. A monsterous sillhouette stood cloaked in the ash and debris. He slowly entered the room. The man was at least seven feet high, rather tall for a Chinaman. He had a head of hair black as a moon-less night. It was long and tied back. At his waist he wore a belt with a very large scabbard hanging from it. The four-and-a-half foor sword in the scabbard was razor-sharp. He smiled wickedly. His firey eyes stared at Mulan. He stepped toward her.
"You are the one called Mulan?" he said, his deep voice was a rage-filled mix of James Earl Jones and Bob Dylan.
"I am," Mulan said firmly.
"Then you must die!" he growled.
"I think not, Mr. Evil Person!" Li Shang yelled in defense of his beloved bride.
The enormous stranger casually swatted Shang like a fly, sending the captain soaring about sixty yards across the tea room. Needless to say, he was out cold.
Mulan was now enraged. "Who are you?" she spat.
"I am Shan Chow," Shan Chow said with a bow and a smirk. "My father was Shan-Yu. I believe you knew him at the time of his demise. In fact, I believe it was you who killed him. Am I not right?"
"Actually, it was this dragon I knew, who - "
"Silence, woman!" the giant screamed. "Now, you must die." His hand went to his sword.
"Wait just a minute, large brute man!" the emperor spoke up. "What right do you have to come in here? For that matter, how did you even get in?"
"My people have aided me in entering the palace! You see, I am the leader of a secret clan of evil Chinamen. We are called the Dragon Chow Society."
"Dragon Chow?" the emperor gasped. "You are the head of the Dragon Chow?"
"That is correct," Shan Chow said. "But enough of this talk! I must kill this Mulan girl!" He swiftly drew his sword. He screamed and charged Mulan, moving surprisingly fast for a man of his size.
As he reached Mulan, he swung his blade toward her skull. She swifly stepped aside and dropped to the floor. She pivoted on her right foot and swung her left leg into Chow's ankles. Unfortunately, the sweep failed, and Shan Chow was unaffected by it. He reached down and picked up Mulan. He held her about three feet from the floor. He raised his sword. "Die," he smiled sadistically.
"Drop that girl!" the emperor commanded.
"Be not so stupid, Emperor!" Chow laughed.
"You have been warned," the emperor said.
He flew from his position and jump kicked the brute in the face. Mulan fell noisily to the floor and hit her head. She lay there in a daze. Shan Chow swung his sword at the emperor. The emperor ducked and brought his elbow into Chow's ribcage. There was a disgusting "crack" and Chow dropped his sword. The emperor spun around, and his foot impacted smartly with Chow's jaw. Chow stumbled backward. He lashed out with a spinning hook kick, but the emperor caught Chow's foot and jerked it hard. Chow crashed to the floor. He climbed back onto his feet. His face was sore, and his broken ribs hurt like crazy. The emperor hadn't even begun to sweat. They continued in their Kung Fu fighting. Their kicks and punches were as fast as lightning. Mulan was starting to come around and thought the scene before her was a little bit frightening. The emperor gave another hard kick, expetly timed, into Chow's abdomen. The brute flew backward into the wall and slumped to the floor.
Just then, Mushu the dragon entered. He smiled and waved saying, "Enter the dragon! Yo, wuz up, folks? I heard there was tea or something and thought I'd - !" His jaw dropped when he looked around the room. "Hey, who's that big dude?"
"That is Shan Chow, the head of the Dragon Chow society, Mushu," Mulan said groggily. "He is Shan-Yu's son."
"Shan-Yu's son?!?!" Mushu exclaimed. "Well, I'll show him! Hey, buddy, we'll just see who's dragon chow around here!" Mushu licked his chops.
The emperor and Mulan laughed. Shan Chow tilted a little and fell flat on his face. Shang was still out cold.
One of the emperor's guards entered the room and approached the emperor. He bowed and said, "Your High Excellency, the Dragon Chow Society infiltrated the palace, but we have regained control now. I see you have already dealt with their leader."
"That I have," the emperor mused. "See to it he is locked up in our tightest confinement until his execution!"
"Too late," Mushu said as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. He expelled a quiet burp. "That big ugly dude's done for." He muttered to himself, "He sure needed some garlic, though . . ."
After the bizarre death of Shan Chow, the Dragon Chow society was disbanded. Li Shang and Mulan enjoyed their tea often with the emperor, but they had to put the visits on hold while Mulan gave birth to little Li Gene :) The emperor, meanwhile, decide to begin teaching classes on Kung Fu and other forms of self-defense. Chi Fu would have had a funeral if his remains could have been pieced together. Mushu had indigestion for weeks.
The End . . .
Or is it?